I said that now I had more time to write, yet I haven’t written anything in over a week. I am still in a transitional period of a transitional period, so I have a lot of logistical stuff to figure out. I was temporarily living in a medium sized city, because I was doing this traineeship in a bigger nearby city just across the border, however the traineeship money I got wasn’t enough to live in that big city, so I decided to live in this smaller and cheaper city in the nearby country. And honestly, I’m glad I did because the city I was living in is much more enjoyable than the one I was working in and I also know the local language much better. I really enjoyed living there and I miss it already even though I left only a few days ago. I miss biking along the river and roaming through the streets lined with Roman and Art Nouveau buildings. I just wish it was a little bit bigger and had more cultural stuff and better transport connections, but other than that it’s the type of city I like.
Since I was there temporarily I had to leave the place I was living in and I had to stay with a friend for a few days in a village nearby, then I had to move again to another city for a few days with people that I know since I was a baby, for logistical and travelling reasons. Tomorrow I’ll be finally taking a flight back to my home country. I love flying, but I hate the stress of going to and through an airport. I feel like it’s the only thing I can do the entire day. It exhausts me so much, I could never be a flight attendant.
I wish I didn’t have to go back home, I wish I could have gotten a job immediately and stayed where I was or found a job somewhere. Thankfully, this week I got two good responses to job applications, they’re still in the very early stages of the application and I probably won’t get the jobs, but at least it’s an indication that there is some hope for me and that this traineeship wasn’t a total waste.
But I also wonder if I really want to do those jobs. They’re in cities I don’t particularly enjoy very much and lately I’ve just been wondering in what kind of place I do want to live. I am 30 now (even though I don’t feel like it and most people don’t really treat me like I am 30) so I would like to settle down for sometime in one place. If I exclude my hometown, I’ve lived in five different places since I turned 18 years old and I have lived only between three years and six months in each place. It is very hard for me to find friends and build a proper community, especially when you have to leave the place just eight months later. Even if I find some kind of community, it’s always lost when I eventually move. I also can’t form a long term romantic relationship either, which is really frustrating when you’re 30 and you’re at the age that you are supposed to have a long term relationship or marry. I don’t care about marriage and I don’t want children, so I don’t feel the clock ticking in, but I do want a long term partner that will understand me, accept me for who I am, and not abuse me, which apparently is a hard thing for me to find.
Like I said in my previous entry, I hope my stay in my hometown will be short and that I will find a nice job, so I can start properly building and establishing my life. I guess that’s what being an adult is or something.

Finally got some time to write and to dedicate to this page. Lately, I have been preparing for a test for a job and applying for other jobs. Half of test didn’t go well and I haven’t had any luck with job hunting, so I don’t feel very hopeful or happy right now. Like anyone, I hate job hunting, but for me it feels harder because I am constantly doubting my skills, even though I have good education and experience. But what I doubt the most about are my social and speaking skills. I have social anxiety and I am possibly neurodivergent (idk for sure yet), so social interactions, networking and job interviews are very hard for me and very draining. I just want a proper job that gives me some financial security, nothing too fancy or highly paid, I just want to be independent.
Also another thing that makes me depressed is the fact that I have to go back to my parents house, while I search for a job. I moved to another country to do a six months traineeship in a good institution, but since I finished I haven’t found a job yet, so I have to move back for now. I hope it is for a short amount of time. I hate living in my small home town. People are judgemental and close minded, it feels like I am being constantly monitored and that I can’t be my real self. Also living with my parents feels restrictive and like I can’t grow as a person.